it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize