i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
