On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
