I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
