I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
