I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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