You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
No subtext here. People are naked.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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