So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
