Cold hands, warm shart.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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