If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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