Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
