i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
