Can i not drive my cunt home
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
