Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
