My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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