oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
