It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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