Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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