I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
