i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize