the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I FOUND THE LEGS
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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