Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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