She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
