well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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