i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
