I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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