Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize