Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
