i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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