but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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