i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
