The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
