So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
