I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize