please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
