Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
