I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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