things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
