they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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