Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Send help, water and tortillas.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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