I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
