I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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