sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
