I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
