I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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