Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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