my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
