I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
