Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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