when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
