Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
