I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
MIDGETS
????
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
