dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
