Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
