I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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