I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
